You Don’t Know Me

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I’ve written about boundaries for metaphysical authors before - but felt there was more to say on the topic. Here we go!

I do not know Stephen King. I’ve never met him in person, nor have we ever spoken. That includes online.

His book, On Writing, is one of my all-time favorites. Although it’s about the craft of writing, he shares personal stories about his childhood, struggles with addiction, and the horrific accident that left him severely injured.

I know a little about him because of that book and other stories he’s shared over the years. But I do not have a personal relationship with him.

I do not know Lena Dunham. Girls was one of my favorite shows, so I recently purchased her memoir, Famesick. It was a fantastic read - I devoured it. I learned a lot about her, but I still don’t know her.

Authors share personal stories for many reasons. If you follow my work, you know I also have plenty to share, including my opinions on the state of the world. Sometimes, the public is interested. Other times, they want me to focus on the cards or the stars.

Imagine my shock and surprise when a fan insinuated to a real-life friend that they had a close personal relationship with me. My friend was puzzled because they had never heard me mention this individual, even though they insisted we “went back years.” The fan used stories I’d written on my blog as proof that we had a connection…even though they were never present for those events.

This is someone I’ve met once at an event. Our interactions were online, nothing more. I’m friendly to my fans, so it’s not uncommon for me to say hello or respond to a comment. Even so, I keep those connections strictly professional. My personal life is limited to a select few folks - some without online footprints. What I reveal online is about 5% of my life. The other 95% is reserved for my loved ones.

Yet this stranger thought they “knew me.”

When you share information about yourself online or in your books, this can and does happen. Even when you’re a small potatoes writer in a niche genre like me! Some fans assume they have insight into your world - and sometimes, they feel this entitles them to access. In a few cases, they might feel emboldened to pursue an intimate friendship. When you keep a polite distance, they can get weird - or nasty. In some cases, this can lead to safety concerns.

So how do you share without putting yourself into weird, awkward, or potentially dangerous situations?

It begins by guarding your privacy as much as possible. That means keeping all pertinent details offline - and out of your books. Instead, it’s wise to change the information to protect yourself and your loved ones.

You’ll also want to carefully choose which photos of your personal life you share online. I used to share a lot more. Not any longer. You’ll never see a photo of my grandchild from me. (Recently had dinner with three close friends - no photographic proof exists.)

Nobody needs to know your every waking move or thought. Period.

Limit your social media presence. That means less scrolling, following, responding, and sharing. I’ve dialed it back before only to return to the madness full force. Now? I am keeping the phone “bricked.”

Ignore direct messages.

Never give your phone number to a fan.

Keep a private profile separate from your professional author page. Only allow access to close friends and family on your personal page. Do NOT accept random friend requests. If you don’t know them in real life, deny entry.

You might want to check a fan’s social media. It could be revealing. Look for red flags such as unhinged political posts or trauma dumping.

Have a PO Box. This allows fans to communicate but keeps your home address private. The last thing you want is someone showing up at your door for dinner!

Limit in-person encounters. It’s better to host small gatherings rather than one-on-one time. Having multiple people present nips most (not all) awkward interactions.

Never, ever reveal your dinner plans when you’re at a book signing event or other such thing. I did that once innocently, only to have that person show up. Trust me: there is nothing more uncomfortable than being forced to dine with someone you didn’t invite.

Be careful of folks who “love bomb.” That is a technique in which someone gives elaborate gifts or effusive praise in an attempt to force an intimate connection. No matter how gracious you are with these types, some quickly develop an attitude of “you owe me.” It’s best to be extra cautious in these situations.

Get an assistant or PR agent. This puts a huge buffer between you and the public. While some wily types might still push past your team, it serves as a disincentive.

Lastly, consider using a service to remove your personal information from the internet. I’ve used one for years - it’s better than trying to do it yourself!

It’s always lovely to share personal stories and to know your words impact someone or strike a chord. It’s also a pleasure to engage with fans. But once a line is crossed, it can become a completely different - and unwelcome - experience. Your safety and comfort are important. Guard your privacy with your whole heart.

Xo

Theresa

PS Note to Stephen King and Lena Dunham: thank you for your work.

The service I use for removing personal information is Delete Me. This is an affiliate link. If you click on it and decide to purchase, I get a small kickback, but it does not affect the price of the service.

Other posts on boundaries for metaphysical authors:

Parasocial Spiritual Hygiene for Authors

The Three Bs of Book Tours: Budget, Body, and Boundaries

Private Parts

And I leave you with this from the late, great Klaus Nomi: